Tag Archives: internet

The Junkyard

I came home from a movie and it was before my bedtime. I have the house to myself and I feel no great urge to watch television. I powered up my internet machine and proceeded to entrap myself in the worldwide web. When I turned on the computer, I wanted to play online poker, but once the computer was on, I wanted to play Monopoly online. Alas, my online Monopoly account isn’t working. I didn’t want to check e-mail and I felt poker would be a waste of time. Facebook is tiresome and its content, albeit from my friends, is unrewarding. I decided I would rather read a few blogs on WordPress and blolirt (blog-flirt).

 

I travelled down the tunnel of topics. I chose dating, because I was curious to see how frustratingly pointless other people find the activity. Perhaps I would find some nuggets of truth? A hidden suggestion I had heretofore never considered?

My mind wandered separately from my eyes as I clicked from blog to blog. I began to think of a junkyard. Stacks and stacks of crushed cars. Cars that were once cared for and loved by their owners. Cars which were the object of optimism and aspiration. “Some day, if I work hard enough and save, I will have this car,” the dough-eyed youngster pined.

But then the car rolled off the lot and depreciation began. Time and use caused one component after another to fail. Or else, some critical user error caused the car to become destroyed beyond repair in an automobile accident. Perhaps the initial owner loved the car, but had to sell and subsequent owners became less and less kind, until ultimately a thoughtless youngster beat it into the ground. Or perhaps the car was sold to a rental agency, becoming a whore to any person with a credit card and a driver’s license.

My point is, a question began to form in my mind: to what extent has online dating become a stroll through the junkyard? Especially for a man my age. Nothing is pure or innocent anymore. Everything has been discovered. There is no frontier, no manifest destiny. There are only broken families and broken hearts that despair at the thought of being alone. They wish that help was on the way.

So if I’m strolling through the junkyard, what am I really looking for? Parts for other cars? Or am I fascinated by the great rusting hulks, contemplating what could have been? Or do I observe the damage and imagine what might have happened?

Believe it or not, there are actually some worthwhile things in the junkyard. There are cars, whose body is horribly mangled, yet the engine is in perfect working order. There are other cars where the axel snapped and the tires rolled away, but the body is pristine and flawless. All it really needs is some tires, right?

 

I think it really is a matter of attitude. I need to separate this defeatist mentality that online dating is like a job interview for romance. I think I wanted to come on to WordPress because I wanted to get away from the Instagram pictures and the slutty, duckfaced poses and read some real words; listen to some real thoughts. Tonight, I have not been disappointed.

I would rather read some honest things that someone has written than waste my hours sending pointless, “Hey” and “How are you doing?” messages. Even worse, committing the fallacious sin of sending a structured, meaningful message to an online picture of a supposed human being using the Hi-Observation/Compliment-Personal Connective Sentence-Question format, which is my usual online messaging habit.

The only fish in the sea are the robots beckoning me to their online webcams so they can infect my computer with viruses. Why not just skip the physical contact and contract an internet STD instead?

 

Oh man, I’ve travelled to a dark place. I had better leave this junkyard and return to the dealership showroom floor.

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Reborn

My new computer is assembled and my internet experience awaits.

Unfortunately, I don’t know how to use it. Honestly, my motivation for buying my computer was to return to writing and to record and mix my own music. I have a fantasy that I will use the computer to meet new people, but this fantasy is mixed with a fear that it is a fallacy. Back in the days of Xanga, I could stroll around a writing community and drop a flirty comment or two and gradually develop friendships and meet new people. But all the internet seems to offer these days is shallow internet dating and sites that claim to be run by humans, but are really repositories for memes and pictures. I just don’t feel connected to the place.

It doesn’t help that my mental notion of the internet is from the 1990s. I miss the idea of “surfing” the internet; the idea of endlessly following links to content, backing up, and clicking new links. For the length of a generation, people now “search” the internet, but I just sit and stare at Google’s blinky cursor as it eagerly awaits my question, but I’m too apathetic, too uninterested, to make a query.

The truth that I must accept is that I have been reborn. I am a child and I need to play with the internet in order to discover how to use it again. My hope is that I discover more human people and fewer corporate people.

2016 Resolutions

I think its safe to put 2015 behind me. I’m ready to make my resolutions for 2016. In 2016, I resolve to exercise my creativity. Next year, I’m going to remove the obstacles to my creativity.

In terms of writing, it is my computer. It takes an hour to get it functional after turning it on. It still runs Vista and it is from 2007. This is unacceptable, and has been so for many years now. I’ve turned off the auto-renew on my computer’s anti-virus software, so ready or not, I’m getting a new machine in 2016.

Once I have a new computer, I can power it up and beginning writing on a whim, which is what occurred during my most productive writing years (2005-2009). I can record my dreams. I can post short-stories. I can even write this novella that I’ve been developing all year. The paltry amount of literature I’ve written this year is depressing.

As for music, I’m looking forward to my downstairs roommate moving out in May. I want to buy a bunch of recording gear and compose music in my basement, but frankly his destructive cats are in the way. Once he moves out, his room will be converted into my recording studio. Maybe? Perhaps I don’t need that much space and can still rent out that room, but we’ll see.

It has been a dream since high school to independently generate and sell my music for money, but the internet has stood in my way for long enough. I would rather just make music rather than live in fear that it will be pirated. That’s like being afraid to go outside because you think you’ll get cold. Just buy a damn coat already!

2016 will be one of the rare years where I won’t have a resolution devoted to people skills. I feel like I’m in a better position now than I have in the past. I can make friends now. I can build a social network. I can throw a party and have people show up. These are things that I couldn’t do a decade ago and I feel satisfied that I can commit my efforts elsewhere.