Monthly Archives: September 2015

The Genie of 2015

Leaving work today, it dawned on me that all of my goals of 2015 were achieved within the past month, yet in all cases the results were less than hoped for. It was as if a genie appeared to me on New Years Day 2015 and granted me 3 wishes. These were my wishes:

1) A girlfriend from India
2) A new car
3) A dog

In the past month, the genie granted my wishes, but these have been the results.

Wish 1: The Girlfriend from India

I went to a pre-season football game in August and, after having missed the train home, decided to stay out and take a cab home. I met her that night and we made out all night. With each date, we progressively became more and more passionate. On the fourth date, she agreed to become my girlfriend and I was very happy.

Sadly, a month later, she dumped me. She explained that the reason was she didn’t have time for a relationship, but I’m certain that is not the true reason. I will never know the reason why she left. Suffice it to say, my first wish was inadequately fulfilled.

Wish 2: A New Car

This year I had $3,000 to apply toward a down payment on a new car. I went to the auto show, went to car dealerships, test drove cars, but ultimately I decided to apply my money to a car I could pay in full. I ended up getting a car that was 7 years newer than my current car with 100,000 fewer miles that fit most of what I was looking for. I was happy.

However, I had to fix up the car. It needed the timing belt replaced. The sunroof was broken and needed to be closed. The radio needed to be replaced (there were some issues with my new radio too, but that was also fixed). Now, the CV joints need to be replaced. Second gear grinds occasionally when I shift from first. My old car is gone and with each new repair, I pine for my old rust bucket. It had 220,000 miles, but it was reliable. My second wish has been inadequately fulfilled.

Wish 3: A Dog

Two months ago, my brother (who ended up with my old car) got a beautiful husky. Unfortunately, a week ago his landlord demanded he get rid of the dog. My brother’s girlfriend reached out to me to take in the dog and I leapt at the chance. I have wanted a dog for many years and, since he isn’t my dog, it would be good practice for me for when I get a dog of my own. I would only need to watch him through the winter until my brother’s lease finished in February. He came home with me and we slept peacefully in my room that first night. I was happy.

The next morning, a Friday, I went to work and within my first hour, my roommates were complaining about him pooping and peeing in the house. I went home, cleared out the garage and placed him in there while I was away. He didn’t really bark, but he set about destroying everything in sight. When I bring him inside and I’m supervising him, he is a good dog and behaves, but if left alone, he becomes heinously destructive.

After 5 days, he was on the verge of breaking down the garage door to escape. I got him an insulated dog house and a chain and now he lives outside. Today, when I took him for a walk, he nearly killed my neighbor’s small dog and my roommate’s cats. He has broken through a collar and a harness and is currently on a chain around his neck. If this were a video game, this dog is on his last life and his health bar is getting low. My third wish has been fulfilled.

Be careful what you wish for.
You just might get it.

Where My Love Has Gone

Love was an emotion I felt
When the world was new.

But now
I am a ball of double-sided tape
Which rolled under the couch.

Untouched and forgotten
I am covered in the debris of my surroundings
Hair, dust and food.

I hear the passionate couple
Copulating above me.
The couch vibrates.

Sullied and sticky
I no longer adhere to the floor
But am stuck to the couch above.

I felt love once, twice, many times.
As an adhesive strip
How do I return to the roll?

Chicken Salad Sandwiches

Today I ate a chicken salad sandwich for lunch.

It made me realize how dull and homogenous all chicken salad sandwiches are. I eat them so rarely that, in my mind, they had suddenly become an exotic option to order off of the Potbelly menu. My disappointment was so complete that I decided that I would need to make my own chicken salad some day.

Some day, I vow to move beyond the simple chopped chicken, celery and mayonnaise and expand the horizons of ingredients in this pitiable sandwich substance. What I envision in my chicken salad, in addition to chopped chicken, celery and mayonnaise, is frozen mixed vegetables, snap peas, cilantro, black pepper and a limited amount of hot mustard, just to add the “what-the-hell-was-THAT?!” intrigue to this normally taste-numbing sandwich.

My mouth waters at the thought of this sandwich. Alas, I must slug through the rest of the day with the memory of my disappointing lunch.